Transformation from the inside out

You are an exquisite mansion.

And that mansion gets built: from the inside out.

Five years ago, I made a significant investment in my healing and expansion. I knew deep personal work was necessary, and I said yes to a huge coaching program that had a price tag so big that even my current self quivers in its magnitude.

The desire made no sense to me. Why did I want something that was so large and seemingly out of reach for myself at the time? Who was I to desire something this big?

I sat with it for a long time, not acting hastily until I heard the voice:

You are a House, and you will live in this House for the rest of your life. Make the investment. 

This was a major leap. I delved deep into all the pockets of stagnation: stories, beliefs, conditioning, insecurity, and smallness as this desire took up residence inside myself.

I felt a hunger for a big game in life, the biggest to date.

When I committed to roughly £50,000, I did not have the money.

I had to have conversation after conversation that resulted in being gifted a portion, borrowing a chunk from the bank, and figuring out how to make it.

The level of creativity that flowed through me was remarkable. The amount of connection and clarity I experienced was piercing. It required me to be extremely vulnerable and courageous with people in my life whom I had previously hidden from.

The power of a true desire can transform you on the spot, demanding certain actions and a shift in your very being.

You will be standing naked in the wind, exposed, full of courage, and without cover. And eventually, you'll look back and realize that it was totally worth it.

When I asked my parents to support me with paying the deposit, I said, "I'm going to do this with or without your help, but if you are willing to back me, I promise you this will be the best investment of your life. I'm doing this for myself, for our family, and for the thousands of people I know I'm supposed to work with. I'll make this money back and tenfold, and I want you to know that this investment means more to me than the money."

I have to admit that a part of me was surprised when they both looked at each other and said yes. This desire had created the first and only time I'd ever had a conversation with both parents in the room about money, and they'd both been united and on the same page.

I shared how I wanted to begin healing the family lineage of self-neglect, toxic generational patterns of man/woman dynamics, and finally address so many of the hurtful and painful experiences that had been swept under the rug and left unaddressed.

I could feel that this experience was the moment I claimed my rightful role in the family: the courageous pioneer. The person who has a higher vision for what's possible and the one who is willing to lead us all there. It must start with the self.

This felt deeply important and like a key reckoning moment in life, so of course they said yes. After a lifetime of avoiding money conversations in my family, that experience with my parents healed something inside me that I’ll carry with me always.

The truth is always just an invitation. It doesn’t matter the outcome.

I could have asked for help with the deposit to buy an actual house, but I was so clear that for me specifically, this was the right order of business.

I repeat: I am the house, and only I can do what's needed to transform the rot and mold that has taken residence over generations of neglect.

This journey has not been without its challenges. Some aspects of the investment were valuable, while others were not. I paid off the money fully in April 2022, just as I knew I would.

My family, in particular, has gone through incredible turmoil during this time period, in a way that even surprised me. Getting back into alignment is a messy and painful process. It's ugly and uncomfortable to address the truth. But what I can say, five years on, is that the House that is my body, my relationships, and my life is a truly loving place to be. I did it.

This is evident in the state of my nervous system and how I have built the capacity to hold myself and expertly hold other people, no matter what life is throwing at me.

This is evident in the stability of my daily life, my commitment to nourishment, and the extra flesh I carry around my belly and hips, thanks to breaking generational cycles of depriving myself of what I truly need to be fundamentally okay.

This is evident in my exquisite boundaries and willingness to exercise them, my commitment to choosing stability and sanity over shininess and recklessness, my continued trust in myself and what I'm here to do, and the fact that my closest relationships are a direct reflection of these values.

The proof is really in the pudding. People say they can taste it when they are in my presence.

And that matters most to me because it's the quality of relationships that have directly come from these huge internal changes that I'm most proud of and nourished by. If the work isn't directly improving my relationships with loved ones, then I don't want it.

This path requires me to be someone for many, and I've been blessed with many who have transformed me, whom I cherish and adore. Whether you are a friend, an acquaintance, a client, a loved one, a former lover, or a family member, I'm grateful for you.

I like to create family wherever I go, and you, my loves, are an amazing family.

So much of the true value in life is invisible. You can be the shiniest person in the room, but if you're disconnected from your soul, an emptiness is felt. The lights are on, but no one's home.

My mission is to ensure that everyone in my life who wants it knows that this kind of self-trust and courage is available to them. Allow me, and I'll show you the way home.

What desires or dreams have you held back on pursuing due to feelings of inadequacy or fear of failure?

In what ways have you avoided addressing deep-seated issues or painful experiences in your life? How might facing them lead to transformation and healing?

How can you cultivate a loving and nourishing environment within yourself and in your relationships by breaking generational cycles and prioritizing your fundamental needs?